Alone

Loneliness, as stated in the Oxford Dictionary, a sadness because one has no friends or company.

In the past I’ve always been alone, whenever it came to friends or companions, I felt too much of an outsider to be around other individuals. All throughout high school and my first year of college I had no one that I ever felt comfortable enough to call a true friend. I’ve had acquaintances, sure, people I’d bide my time with at lunch, the people I’d talk to during school activities, but I never belonged.

I was a drifter of sorts through social groups and cliques always searching for my niche, but to no avail. An outsider looking in, everyone else around me chittering about evening plans or where to eat out for lunch, and I would dumbly walk home, with an ache for someone to share my time with.

When social occasions arose, school dances or sports events, I would desperately attempt to make plans with someone, anyone, in fear of my peers seeing me for what I am, an outcast. I’ve even felt this way in my small number of romantic relationships, despite their company, I still failed to mesh with them, unconsciously isolating myself because even with only one other person, I didn’t feel that I fit in.

Despite my longing for someone to waste my time with, I’ve realized there’s a part of me that wants to be alone. Be it dining out with a novel, watching a film at the cinema with an empty seat on each side of me, adventuring in the north west in the absence of a companion, I’ve found comfort in the solitude and the knowledge that I don’t need someone tagging along in order to enjoy myself.

Finding my own space has been crucial to understanding myself and knowing my personal limits. Doing activities alone that would otherwise require a partner has helped me build character, and love myself for who I am, quirkiness and all. On the occasions that I do find myself in a group of people in which I feel indifferent, I don’t cling to company and mold myself in order to be liked. Ever since I truly accepted myself for being alone,  I don’t care what other people think about me.

I believe it’s detrimental to know myself more than anyone else and let go of the chained feeling that someone needs to be by my side if I plan to do something. Relying on a companion to join me on outings is chaining. Not everyone could be as passionate about an activity as I may be. When with others I have found that I am constantly trying to make them happy. I find myself only doing things that they want to do. While on my own, it’s all on my terms and the only person I need to focus on is me.

In my journey of self discovery I’ve realized that I can enjoy the company of others, but

Being alone is okay.

By Camille Bliss